April 15, 2009; 7:30-ish/EST/A.M. "For 'Cyn' : A White Feather"
Having recently read Cynthia's book "John": thoroughly enjoyed it- and dealing with the
inevitable 'aftermath'- the floods of emotions and thoughts-
Running the risk - but knowing not how else to get in contact from here:
Canada- north woods-{{{ "oblivion" per sey-}}}
we had ended the book at about 2:00 in the morning (est)- and gone to sleep- then woke up
with the weight of dreams: more-than-half-not-remembered-- and struggling with
who to talk to-
why even to bother to try to talk at all-
what to say
how to say it
and just re-read Cynthia's account of John's reaction to hearing of Stuart's death-
hysterical laughter - then tears- same as when he heard of his uncle George's death-
-same as at his mother's funeral- "his way of Coping with the shock."
John- "I wonder why anyone at this day- would care-" (ie. he means- care about him- and
whatever he felt- or feels now - about anything-)
and, I had been seriously contemplating attempting one more time to contact Yoko Ono
-seriously- about certain phenomena and a story/// book that was written in 1985-
have wrassled and wrangled and endured and- well---// let's just say that:
life has sort of been like an ongoing fever- ever since-
and then, as I was in the process of composing such said letter in my
mind I came across Cynthia's book- and read it.
I have often wondered whether it would be better to try to contact her, - - yeah- - so. . .
"I wonder why anyone at this day would care- about me - or what I think or feel about
any given topic. but my mind is tempered now- with the thoughts of time- the
superfiicallity of it - of "Being" - as just - "Being" .. not in time- - in and Out of time- like-
all through- as - - part of "All That Is" - on that level - it makes sense - has some "matter"
to it - like - it is significant just for Love- to Be. as opposed to hate- or - indifference.
As to "Why Bother: to speak, or try to answer- , or try to publish- whatever- "- one has to
do what one has to do- we are. we exist. we feel. we can choose- to do or to not
do- but 'Being' is still there- and - whatever is 'happening' - is 'happening'
and whatever "will happen" has yet to pass- and seems to be affected - one way or
another- by what we choose- to do - or not do- and this time?
I want to choose love. - I want to connect with the people I love- and let them KNOW-
that I love them- and that I am - sorry- and I wish- - that if there was a way I could- thank
them for all their love they gave to me - and somehow right - the wrongs I did to them - then
that is what I wish - Want- to do. Now. In and out of time- as an eternal thing- as something
REAL."